Almost Lover
by anatagasuki
Summary: One side is death, a peaceful and tranquil exit. One side is a hollow, empty life without you to look into my eyes, hold my hand, sing for me, walk by my side, talk to me. Even just breathe the air I breathe.


Title: Almost Lover  
Author: anatagasuki  
Genre: Romance/Drama  
Summary: One side is death, a peaceful and tranquil exit. One side is a hollow, empty life without you to look into my eyes, hold my hand, sing for me, walk by my side, talk to me. Even just breathe the air I breathe.  
Notes: A songfic, quite. _**PLEASE READ THE SONG INSERTS**_. I created the scenes out of them, and they're very relevant in Bella and Edward's case. I really like the feel of it, please read the song lines. The setting is while Bella was drowning after cliff diving in New Moon. Some lines are from/based on the series itself.  
Disclaimers: The song belongs to A Fine Frenzy…I'm not sure but I heard she's the singer. Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight.

_Your fingertips across my skin  
The palm trees swaying in the wind  
Images_

I could see it, I could feel it now. So clearly, that I almost can't believe the precision and happiness of the moment. I want to relish it in my tongue, absorb every sensation. It was only so unfortunate that I have to leave anytime now.

_You sang me Spanish lullabies  
The sweetest sadness in your eyes  
Clever trick_

The sound of your perfect, melodious voice rang over and over in my head, willing me to plunge deeper, to savor some more of it. Your anger fuels me…only anger can keep you here by my side, nothing else.

_I never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me_

Our _"relationship_", if it really existed, hadn't made you happy. And you said you're tired pretending. If you'd ask me, I'll guess there's more into it. I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough to make you happy. But you didn't need to make it harder for you. You could've just told me. I'd be happy to leave if that will ease your dismay.

_Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?_

I did not plan this, Edward. I didn't want to die. I just didn't know how to live anymore. I bet you'd never felt like this before. Never, because there is nothing you want that is impossible to have. Believe me, I tried. I really did. I tried to forget you, to move on with my life for Charlie, for Renee, for my friends…at one point, for Jacob too.

But then I realized the efforts were all thrown into waste even before I could try. Because some part of me, some part of my soul forever left with you, and I could only ease the burning if I have some part of you with me too. But I can't be selfish enough for that.

_So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
Should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do_

I should've known. You are not for me, even when my delusions convinced me you are. You were there, so up high that no ladder can I climb to reach you. You were brilliant, shining, that my frail eyes can't even see you. You are strong, blinding fast, that my incompetent senses cannot touch you. I cannot grasp you, love, I cannot hold you enough to have you in the first place.

I want more of my images.

_We walked along a crowded street  
You took my hand and danced with me  
Images_

I could still remember those days, and now your voice makes them perfectly recognizable. The moment when you first met my eye. The moment you first held my face. The moment you first had me in your arms. The moment you drove me to school, where we emerged from your car, together. The moment you told me that what you are, and I accepted. The moment you accompanied me to your family.

And you told me I was your life. And you even told me you loved me. Even in severe pain, my heart swelled in extreme pleasure and pride.

The prom. And there I was convinced that indeed, you can be mine too. I can be the not-too-beautiful Cinderella of new age.

_And when you left, you kissed my lips  
You told me you would never, never forget  
These images  
No_

But then there came those words, the words which negated all the rest.

"_Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

The words which shattered all my dreams and plunged me into the darkest oceans. Yet I still dared hope. Only to have my greatest fear come to life, only to hear the words…I'd rather have James kill me in his sadistic ways a thousand times than hear those words. I would accept all else torture with a smile.

You left. You left me with nothing.

_Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me_

Why? Why take every memory away? Didn't you know that those little tokens are my only comfort, my only hope left? Why leave me with nothing else to live for?

I can't live like you never existed, Edward. Not anymore. This isn't a reversible case. You are my whole life.

But still, maybe you wanted me to be happy. For old times sake.

_Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?_

Then he came. Sunny, cheerful, devoted Jacob Black. I once used him to figure out what you are. In fact, I even flirted with him. But I really did find him nice. And now, I am using him again to hear your voice, to try have one piece of you with me, real or not.

And yet, as we spend more and more time together, I began to see sides of him I haven't seen before. He was the most truthful and warm friend I knew. I was there, out cold, without you. But he made the pain bearable.

He was my sun, and he balanced the clouds of desolation…until he was gone from time to time.

I used him again, but this time, for myself. I was attached to him, in a way which keeps me alive in this bottomless pit of pain.

_So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
Should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do_

You were so far away then. Nothing can make you go back, I decided. It was utterly selfish to keep Jacob by my side, knowing that I didn't love him the way he did and wanted me to, but would it be so wrong?

Would it be so wrong to try making him happy and living at the same time? Would it make any difference? I was nothing to you anyway.

And I am reminded. Almost…almost mine, but never did and never will be.

_I cannot go to the ocean  
I cannot drive the streets at night  
I cannot wake up in the morning  
Without you on my mind_

I hoped it will be enough. I tried to make it enough. But it just wasn't. Everywhere I go, everywhere my eyes turn to, everyday, every single minute, I still have you in my mind. In my heart.

Even with Jacob.

It was never enough.

_So you're gone and I'm haunted  
And I bet you are just fine_

_Did I make it that  
Easy to walk right in and out  
Of my life?_

But how about you?

"_But my kind--we're very easily distracted."_

You can be in some random coven now, spending your time with one of those perfectly, and excruciatingly beautiful female vampires. You can be holding them now, in a way I once thought you held me, but you never did. You can be staring into their eyes in this moment with complete love or lust, maybe both.

You can be kissing them now, with the warmth and zeal that you have faked for me before.

_Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?_

There is just no way out anymore.

There is just nowhere to go, no one to run to.

_Dead end_--it's what I must call it.

One side is death, a peaceful and tranquil exit. One side is a hollow, empty life without you to look into my eyes, hold my hand, sing for me, walk by my side, talk to me. Even just breathe the air I breathe.

_So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
Should have known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do_

I do not regret this decision. In fact I'm very much thankful I have this chance.

I would be in a world far from this place, Edward. Soon. In a place where there would be no responsibility, no guilt. Where there would be no insecurity, no void ache.

In a place where I'd be able to dream of you, to have you.

Real or not.

And where my almost lover, the lover I so long lived for, would be mine.


End file.
